The Sunday after the Pumpkin Fest...

The Sunday after the Pumpkin Fest (warning - traveling follies & long-ish-story below)

It didn't look like a world record at the World-renowned festival, but my task of appearing at the 2013 Keene Pumpkin Festival was a success.  Filled with smiling good-natured New England people and families.  My plan was perfectly executed.... until the Sunday morning after.

The arrival was as planned.  On Friday, I took care of the dry cleaning via the hotel service in Memphis. Check.  I took care of my unmentionables via the hotel laundry room.  Check.  I even was able to make a brief appearance at the office and get some billing hours in.  Check.  Priceline a hotel for my arrival in Manchester NH.  Check.  Priceline a rental car for my arrival in Manchester NH.  Check.  All goes smoothly at the Memphis airport, and land 25 minutes early in Manchester, about 11pm even after the late arrival at m connecting airport in DC.  The Hertz rental car waiting for me after I exited the smaller regional airport doors.  The hotel is a leisurely drive 10 minutes away in Londonderry, NH.  Check.  4 star hotel?  No.  But that should be OK.  Its quiet, hopefully clean, spacious, and I can sleep, if not well at least on a semi-comfortable bed.

It was a success.  Clean and surprisingly modern for the Sleep Inn of Londonderry, NH.  Quiet neighbors, top floor room and a decent TV channel lineup offering.  For all of this multi-state travel, I receive a reasonable 6 hour doze.

The next morning, I go to see an great friend in Walpole NH (far from where I was, not too far from where I was going.)  Brunch-but more-Lunch'esque, with a local-hand-crafted Pumpkin Latte, in a perfectly set New England town full of old expanded white barn-style fairly wealthy looking homes, with nay a single traffic light.  The main street had about 15 stores and eateries, plus a gas station.  A stray Tesla Model S was even a resident there.  Very cool town.  63-degree day in the heart of Fall Foliage New Hampshire?  Don't mind if I do!  Lunch was great with Evelyn and her adorable son who has the cutest dimples (not unlike myself I might add.)  Begin my brief drive back down to Keene. 

First stop?  Starbucks.  It needed to be done, don’t judge me.  Next, do a little work on the laptop (OK, not all work – some was editing and producing an informational video on how to make fraternity style popcorn – details to follow.)  Its still bright out, and I would prefer to see Jack-O-lanterns lit up at dusk/night.  6pm rolls around, time to make my way around town, and park at the E F Lane hotel (the closest parking there without being bused there – AND because I fear you underestimate my sneakiness.). Keep in mind; this medium size city in NH closes down for this event.  Street closures everywhere.   Almost 15 years under the belt, I’m a black-belt in navigating the black-top of Keene.  Now, I'm smack dab in the main (best) part of the fest.  Check.  Smell that?  Its pumpkin pies, corn dogs, apple thingy-ma-giggies, and crazy awesome New England crisp air.  Also of note, it could be 20 degrees and sleeting or 65 degrees and mild.  This was a great day for this festival.

Selfie in the front of the scaffolding full of pumpkins?  Check.  Not a great picture, but the point is made.  Our Life can change, drastically, and yet I feel our traditions don't necessarily have to.  Was it the same for me?  Not by any means.  Did it feel good to experience the familiarity of a previous time in my life?  Absolutely.

Now...after I visit with some ghouls and ghosts, peruse the pumpkin creations, and take a refreshing inhale of New England crisp warmth, time to make way back to the hotel about an hour away.  Why?  Well my plane leaves at 6am for DC to visit with my sis-in-law Jill and watch her complete a great accomplishment of running the Army Ten Miler @ the Pentagon in Virginia.

Enter the story's main muse.

As I approach the Sleep Inn, some great expeditious and efficient thoughts come to mind.  Get gas now and save time in the morning.  Check.  Don't eat much and prevent any discomfort in the morning.  Check.  Get into bed and watch a little TV around 9:30ish PM.  Check.  All smiles so far.

Wait...did you hear that?  It sounds like a family of infant toddlers coming into their room next door.  I'm sure they didn't give their children sugar at such a late time of night, its way past their bedtime.  Nope.  I would be wrong.  Are these walls paper-thin?  I can hear each family member breathing.  Nay.  I can hear their stomachs processing the food they just ate.  I can hear their thoughts, though not very bright thought processes.

No worries…its beddy-bed time I’m sure for them.  Let me continue to try and relax, and fall asleep so I can wake up bright and early and be ready for my flights.  Alarm is set at 3:15am; phone alarm is set at 3:15 as well.  I figure 4-5 hours will be absolutely fine since I have a non-stop flight to DC.

10:49PM

Why are the kids banging on the wall?  Why is the mother NOT telling her children to stop?  Why are they screaming? (A fun way, not like they were being killed)

10:59PM

After various forms of indecent language barely audible for them to hear coming out of my mouth, I decide I cannot take it anymore.  I travel down to the front desk and ask politely & calmly to be moved to a different room.  Unfortunately for the same reason that I’m here, this hotel and surrounding hotels are booked solid for the Pumpkin Festival.  She says she’ll call up to their room and ask them to be a little quieter.  OK.

11:05PM

I make it no secret that I’m back in the room by letting the door shut behind me, rather than doing the right thing at such a time at night and closing the door softly.  NOW I can hear the mother saying shhhhh! to the kids (who are still jumping, banging and screaming.)

11:10PM

I have tried every which way to sleep.  On my left side, right side, back, almost flat with a pillow over my head.  Nothing seems to drown out the twin devil children and Lucifer Parental unit in the room next to me.

11:11PM

Hello, front desk?  Either find me another hotel or move them, or move me, do something please.  My trunk of the rental car seems better for me to be able to sleep right now.

11:13PM

Shhhhhhhh! I can hear from the room next to me.  Maybe…just maybe they will realize that someone is trying to sleep.

11:15PM

Wait, wait, wait....do you hear that now???  I’m pretty sure they don’t get any pornography channels at the hotel.  I’m not watching any.  Nothing going on in my room.  ….Oh no.  No.  Dammit.  That would be the OTHER room next to me with a rather sprite young couple enjoying a little Adam & Eve time.

11:16PM

Still going.

11:17PM

Still going.

11:26PM

I assume they are a young couple.  Because, well, I’m not that young – and I would know my limits.  Bravo to them.  But, c’mon people – I need to sleep!  Plus, since I can’t enjoy the fruits of the vine, it’s only a little torturous too.

11:45PM

Shhhh!!!! I hear again.  The kids are still at it.  Next time, I’m paying the Festival Room Rates at EF Lane Hotel in downtown Keene, NH.

12:40AM Sunday

Its about this time that I remember looking the clock – and finally falling asleep (correction, taking a nap at this point.)

3:15AM

(Alarm Clock) Buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz

(Baron)……..zzzzzzzzzzz.......zzzzzzzzzzzz.........zzzzzzzzzzzzz

4:52AM

I awake, a little.  My left eye opens to view the clock.  I instantly can tell by the room brightness that I’m waking up past my expected time.  I can barely see the clock, but in a matter of 2-3 seconds I read 4….5…2.  My head pops up almost as fast as my feet hit the ground.  FUCK!  Part of me wants to talk to the young couple to make sure they were on contraceptive to prevent my other neighbor’s mistake.  Part of me wants to take the alarm clock, turn it to 5AM, and place it next to the family’s wall.  Part of me is trying to determine the probability of making the flight sans shower, or maybe hopefully catching the 7AM flight instead and rushing to see Jill at the finish line.  How quickly did I compose those thoughts?  Under a minute, more like 20 seconds.  As I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror, looking neither at my best nor my hair too, I’m determined to make the 6:00am flight.

4:53AM

Wash the face really quick to wake myself up a little.  Wet the hair and dry off quickly to remove the hairs standing straight up.  Pack up the toiletry bag.  Wait, I’m missing something!  Oh yeah, GET DRESSED!

4:54AM

Get dressed with the clothes I laid out the previous night.  Fold and pack the rest of the clothing, toiletry bag, coil up my phone charger, coil up my laptop charger, do a quick scan around the room to see what else I’ve forgotten.

4:59AM

I’ve got everything, bag on top of suitcase, money and credit cards in pocket, car keys in the other pocket.  Head down to the car.  Wait for the Elevator?  Fuck no.  Stairs.

5:00AM

Bag and suitcase in the car.  I sit in the front seat.  I go to remove my phone from my pocket to place in the front seat.  DAMMIT, no phone!

5:00 and 45 seconds…

Run to my room (thankfully I kept a room key rather than throwing it out.)  I must have walked into the room like The Terminator.  I truly felt my eyes scanning the room like him.  Target:  Samsung Galaxy S III.  Target located on bathroom sink counter.  Come with me if you want to live.

5:01 and few more seconds…

Car is turned on, phone is with me.  This should be simple.  No one is gonna be on the roads I need to get to the airport.  I’ll exceed the speed limit a little and I should be at the airport in 10 minutes.  5:11am is not too bad to make a 6AM flight, especially out of a small regional airport.

5:04AM

Not bad.  Crispy cool air flowing through the cracked window to help aid in my awakening.  No one on the road, speeding a tiny bit.  I get to the traffic light where I make a left onto the main two-lane road to the airport.  I see a pickup truck from the other side of the road make a right.  OK…he’ll be going at the speed limit.  NOPE.  Local-yocal who wants to do some sight seeing at 5am.  I contemplated passing him, but due to my nature of these roads, animals, etc., I choose to curse him out verbally in my car and prayed that he would NOT be going to the airport.

5:11AM

I was wrong.  He was.  Panic is starting to set in.  What do I do with the rental car?  How do I blow off the rental agent and not go through their return process?  Will anyone else be ahead of me?

5:14AM

Enter Rental Car parking garage.  Find the Hertz Return Lane.  I’m 10 cars deep.  No Agent? What?!  Fuel is fine, I had unlimited miles, car is in the condition I returned it.  Keys on the seat, rental agreement on the seat, bags out of car, and I start to run.

5:14AM and 30 seconds

While running, luggage roller and briefcase in one hand, my phone in the other.  Its about a quarter of a mile from the garage to the terminal.  I proceed to check into the flight with my mobile smart phone, while running and navigating a few stairs as well.  I skip the Seat Change process, last seat on the plane, check in complete.

5:15AM ish…

I reach the terminal.  I’m relieved that I should make the flight, pending the security line at this small regional airport.  My body temperature rising, causing a bead(s) of sweat as I enter the TSA security line.  Will the TSA think something weird about me, out of breath, sweating, looking like I’m panicking?   Now, I’m panicking thinking about what the TSA is thinking about me.  The line is almost moving fast enough for me not to be worried.

I get to the TSA person who checks my driver’s license with my electronic boarding pass.  BUZZ, sorry sir, can you try to scan your boarding pass again?  Sure.  BUZZZZZ, sir can I see your phone.  BUZZZZZZ , sir your boarding pass is not valid – says you’re on another flight not at this gate/security checkpoint.  “Look, TSA agent, my flight board in minutes – I’m on this flight.”  Sir, go to the counter.  But what will I do if I miss the flight?  Don’t worry Sir, you can come right back to me without waiting.

5:26AM

Running back to the counter area in the front of the airport, go right to a self-service check in, plug the confirmation code I have memorized by now, print out the boarding pass, and proceed to run back to the security line.

5:29AM

They let me through to the front of the line.   The paper-boarding pass works.  I begin my journey through the unnecessary process of removing my shoes, belts, watch, money/credit cards, etc.   While waiting to go through the giant x-ray machine, I look at my “smartphone” that I have been cursing since a few minutes ago to investigate why it didn’t work before.

I had checked in properly.  But for my flight AT 8:00PM later that night out of Washington D.C.!  Oops!  I did in fact check into the wrong flight, but on the same day!

5:34AM

I arrive within minutes to my gate, thoroughly relieved that I made it, in record time, and I would be able to carry on with my Sunday Plan.  I check in with the gate agent, and ask her politely to see if there were any seats on the Aisle and closer to the front.  With a smile, she gave me 2C AND also gave me 2C for my flight later that day.  No upgrade cost to Econ plus.  She just helped me smile big and start my day with a little pep.

5:38AM

After buying some gum and water at the convenience store, I return the gate.

Huh…that’s odd.  They’re not boarding.

5:39AM

(loudspeaker) Ladies and Gentlemen, US Airways flight #0061 will be delayed in departing from this gate.  There is a maintenance issue and they are checking into it.  We are currently looking at a departure time of 6:40AM.

5:39AM and 15 seconds

FUCK!
I could have showered!  I could have slept in a little more.  I could have slowed down and not ran!

6:40AM

Boarded.  My Sunday Funday will be able to continue on.  I will (and did) be able to see my Sis-in-law finish a milestone accomplishment, enjoy some lunch with my DC family, do some laundry, and get right back to the airport to start my business week back in Memphis.  Success!

Some quick take-aways:

Splurge for the closer/better hotel when in doubt (or tight time-frames.)

If you’re a family full of kids, please be kind of your neighbors

If you’re a horny young couple, please…well, be quick at least

Oh, and if there’s something that you want to do, with in reason…. do it.  We’ve got but only one time to go around in this life.  Might as well make the most of it.

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Gentlemen, Start your engines!

The motorcar.  The horse-less carriage.  The Automobile.  What an amazing evolution of the wheel, combined with the combustion engine to create generations of travel.   The 10-day journey on a horse became a 4-hour jaunt.  The 2-hour walk became a roundtrip in 10 minutes.  Driving to Wally World in the family truckster is a lot easier then walking there.

The world became “faster” with the advent of the auto.  McDonalds’ would not have served “over 1 billion” without the car.   Many children would not have been spawn without the “drive-in” movie theater.   Janis Joplin would have prayed to the Lord to buy her a Schwinn bicycle had it not been for Karl Benz & Gottlieb Daimler (Mercedes Benz.)

Before I begin, let me state my history with the motorcar.  I am no stranger to the massive responsibility of the auto.  I would dream about the most exotic autos to drive when younger, much like many boys when growing up.  It represented the ultimate freedom for the teenager to leave “the parents house” and go out.  Somewhere, anywhere, without adult supervision.

I have violated certain motor vehicle laws in the past.  Such as one’s that require me to buckle up, or exceeding the speed limit (thanks tricky Dick for the double nickels) or even having an argument with a telephone pole (the pole won.)  Of’ course, as I reach a higher age in life and realize the implications of such actions, I have corrected such immature behavior.  Also of special note, never once did I endanger a passenger in my car (no violations/accidents) while traveling with other Homo Sapiens.

Unfortunately, there are many “kids” and “adults” who continue to travel on, unaware of their bad habits, poor traits and inconsiderate manners.  If that’s you, LISTEN UP.  And I’m not just talking about speeding here either.  Speeding for the most part is the least “our” problems on the road.

Lets start with the basics.  Color.  Specifically, Red.  Animals, kids, even Aliens would recognize that the color Red means stop/halt – I’ll even give you a very cautious – without first being told what it means.  Stop sign – Red.  Stop light – Red.  Brake lights – Red.

But, if you’re in a real rush to get somewhere, you can disregard those colors, and act as if the world will stop for you, so you can get your ‘double-blended-grande-mocha-frappachino-with-whip-cream’ from Starbucks.  NOT!

How about this one; a highly intelligent well-spoken livery driver who is late in getting his passengers to the airport.  He is driving a Lincoln Town-car (which at speeds of 25mph & above is like a torpedo.) Endangering him, the passengers, and the completely innocent ‘minding-their-own-business’ general public who are crossing the intersection.  While nobody got hurt, just property damage and countless hours wasting time at a Hertz rent-a-car facility, it does not excuse them from persecution.   The police officers didn’t even ticket the livery driver (his own passengers testified that he blew the red light.)  He’s still out there, lurking for another color violation.  Lets continue to issue drivers licenses to others like him who have committed a serious violation.  Great idea!  Not to mention he nearly destroyed my new car of only 1 month.  Repaired successfully, yet the value has diminished greatly, with no way of regaining it back.

Here’s my bottom line, 2 strikes and you’re out (1 for professionals who drive for a living.)  Miss one stoplight or stop sign, you’re on notice.  Miss another; your license is taken away.  Bernie Madoff would drive before you (that’s 150 years away from today, 100 years with good behavior.)  Of’ course, all this changes if other people are hurt.  Then it’s one strike, and out.  In fact, I might be scared to see them walk around too.  There’s my next blog; why can’t people understand the do’s and don’ts of walking in a predetermined path?

I have an office in upstate NY.  Each time I leave the office, I travel on a 10-lane road (5 east, 5 west bound lanes.)  I travel home going eastbound.  At one traffic light, 2 westbound lanes turn left, 2 eastbound lanes turn left.  Nobody turns left going eastbound, because there are no stores there.  But a lot of individuals turn left going westbound because it’s a huge Walmart, Burlington Coat Factory (they’re still around?,) and restaurant shopping plaza.  Each journey home reveals about 10-15 cars/trucks/18 wheelers! blowing the red light.  Then they stand in the middle of the intersection because the shopping center parking lot is too small to allow them all in at once.  Apparently the red light is only a suggestion to them.  In fact I see cars that have the red light (as opposed to getting it in the intersection) and they still continue through the intersection.  This town could pay for the school system, public works and new red light cameras from the traffic ticket revenue generated there.

Colors are easy.  Next up, understanding the space that a car physically occupies.  Just because you put your turn signal on to change lanes does not mean there is enough room for you.  Take some time and observe others on a highway.  Rush hour in the NYC area is like watching a horde of ants in a colony.  We’re all traveling very fast, very close, with a determination to “get there.”  I have my daily routine, which comprises most of the left lane from door to door.  Just because someone thinks they should be in “that lane” does not necessarily mean there is any room for them.  But don’t let that stop them from trying.  Of’ course the inevitable horn blowing occurs, fingers of the middle area appear, and the rest of your morning is stuck yelling and mumbling underneath your breath (whether in the right, or wrong.)

Taking an exit?  Take the exit.  If it’s wrong, go around and try again.  Do not back up the ramp, or just stand there in the middle of the road.  That’s begging for an accident.

How about turning?  Seems simple enough.  Left or Right.  If you miss a turn, don’t slam on your brakes.  Don’t do a 3-point turn (u-turn) in the road.  Go to the next right turn or proper traffic light, figure out where you need to be and then make the turn.  Why are other people subject to your lack of direction?  Between OnStar, in-car navigation, factory navigation, road atlas’, printed mapquest directions, email directions, etc, you can’t figure out which turn to take?  Have I missed a turn?  Absolutely.  Have I disrupted traffic with my 4,000 lbs. personal conveyance?  NO.

Does anyone know what a turn signal is?  Its what you use to signal another person traveling near you to tell them of your next move or direction.  They are functional and a great idea (saves your arm from making any strange motions out the window.) 

Reading.  If you passed the road test, then its safe to assume reading is second nature.  Read the signs.  Do not assume (it makes an ...... I was going to spell it out….but you know what I was going to say.)  Left turn lane only does not mean you can travel in a straight direction.  Lets say you were lost, but going straight is the right way.  MAKE THE LEFT anyway.  Then turn around properly and make another left to continue on.

Making a phone call?  Be my guest.  Some states might not want you to.  I do not mind it.  That is if you can chew gum, talk, drive, and breathe at once.  If you cannot do any of those items together, OR all at once, put the phone down.  Still holding the phone to your ear?  I have one word for you.  BLUETOOTH.  No, that does mean you need a dentist, it refers to a magical spell provided by electronics corporations that communicates with other electronics to simulate a handset and microphone, all invisible to the naked eye.  Look into it.  But that still does not excuse others of the simple task of talking, plus eye-to-hand-to-foot coordination that seems to be forgotten about while talking about the recent episode of America’s Got Talent and someone hassled the Hoff.  I watch time & time again, someone yapping on their mobile phone, while not paying attention, making an illegal u-turn; and seeing the other person yelling at them.  If they cross eyes, now each of them is yelling at each other, thinking they are right.  It’s like watching a bad episode of “Different Strokes” with no correct moral ending because everyone is always right in their car.

Does anyone know what “the wave” is?  It’s a pleasant notification to another of “thanks.”  Need to get to that turn lane but missed it?  No problem.  Make a motion to the other driver, point where you need to be, and wave.  99% of the time, you’ll get what you wished for.  However, when you simply take what you want without the wave, you just became Public Enemy #1.  Ever see the incredible fun inflatable wacky wind wave guys outside furniture stores or car dealerships?  They are very simple, but always seem to get a smile out of me.  Think of that image, wave, smile, and you will get where you need to be on the open road.

Honk your horn?  Are you the 17th car back in a line of others at a red light?  Why?  Seriously, why?  As if the 16 other cars in front of you all feel asleep, were drugged, blindfolded, or broken down.  2nd place?  Honk away if they are not acting accordingly to the traffic signals.

I recently traveled from New York to Atlanta, Georgia.  While cruising along many highways, I noticed what seems to be a personal problem, more than a moving violation.  Merging.  This simple yet evasive maneuver escapes the State of Commonwealth drivers.  Two lanes, into one…once car goes, the other waits, then proceeds, and repeat (like washing your hair.)  Apparently, this concept does not apply to Virginians, or any other nearby residents.  Is the concept of being a mere 10 feet ahead of the next car really define your trip as being quicker to point B from point A?

And while this rant specifically touches upon the motorcar, let me say something about the two-wheeled engine powered cycles.  Many years ago, there was a campaign on TV’s and various bumper stickers that discussed sharing the road with motorcycles and bicycles.  Share the road.  Share…the road.  I believe that most of the bi-ped operators do not understand the SHARE aspect of the campaign.  First off, I enjoy a motor-bike or human powered cycle as much as the next guy.  What I can’t stand are the annoying operators who feel it necessary to slice between my car and the car next to me.  Just once I want to jerk the steering the wheel.  Traffic bad?  At a stoplight?  Ever see them jolt between the spaces to get to the front of line?  How about an accident or slow traffic ahead?  Ever see them weave in-and-out of cars to get by everyone.  Why do I have to share the road when they do NOT share the problems?  If I’m in traffic, SO ARE YOU.  If I can’t get somewhere, neither can you.

Agree or disagree with my opinions, what I’m mainly discussing here are ethics.  Call it my version of Emily Post’s “Etiquette for the Road.”  We all have instinctive ethics, however some people belong in a mental ward with padded walls.  The repetitive issue here is that most unaware mental midgets feel that they are the only ones in this universe.  Wake up.  Your not alone.

Can I get an "Witness?"

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The smallest dwelling...

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Think your studio on the west side is small at 500 sq feet? Take solace in that there is room to breathe. Try breathing in 8 square feet. Imagine for a moment that you will eat, sleep, watch a movie, read a magazine or newspaper, stretch/exercise and maybe even contemplate world domination (well not everyone will think of that) in just 8 square feet.

We're not done yet either. Now imagine that the space is not entirely private. Sometimes other dwellers (neighbors?) will encroach on your territory and do it in a disrespectful manner, as if you didn’t even exist.

You may be asking what I am describing. Incarceration? Nope. But close. You cannot escape for a determined period of time. You eat (if you choose) what they serve you. You are forced to remain in the 8 square feet, no matter what happens, or who annoys you (there is a brief period of time when you can have free time for bathroom breaks.)

If you haven't figured out yet what I am describing, I'm talking about the joys of soaring through the sky in an airplane.

Those precious 8 square feet is your seat. It’s not your home away from home. It’s very important to remember this. You’re in a public place that shares some private moments. People have a hard time deciphering between what is private behavior and what is good manners in public.

The biggest problem is the little strip of land (not the Gaza Strip) dividing you and strangers commonly referred to as the armrest. Whose arm can use which armrest? Can I use both? The left side or the right side? Ask your neighbor. Don't want to talk to them? The first person to plant the flag wins.

That's the easiest battle to win or lose. Here are some examples of tougher battles.

At home you may walk around in sandals, socks, maybe even bare feet. That's at home. Home. NOT in a public airplane filled with hundreds of people. In my opinion, this is the biggest most disrespectful disgusting thing someone can do in a public place. I do not care how “clean” your feet are, keep your shoes on. I make reference to having company at your own home. The moment they walk in, their shoes/socks come off. How would you feel? If you’re a hippie, keep the answer to yourself.

Another test; sit down in an armchair style chair at home. If you cannot fit between both armrests or your legs/thighs are protruding out both sides, either upgrade your seat to first class or learn how to fly your own airplane. I was on a redeye from San Francisco to New York once when I had the dreaded middle seat. Next to me was a rather unfit individual whose right thigh was so big; "our" armrest would not lower beyond 50% down. Which also meant her thigh and my thigh had become one. Never mind the fact that when she would doze off, her right arm/elbow spasms would jolt me the neck. Her apology of “Ooh, I’m sorry darling,” seemed to remove her of any wrong doing (in her head.) Needless to say, on that trip home, I did not have a pleasurable flight. And before you go on saying that I’m discriminating against the unfit, I mean no disrespect, just observing. I have no problem if you ingest unhealthy sums of double-cheeseburgers with ice cream floats chasers (I used to do the same.)

The imaginary line between the seats is real easy to imagine, even for children to see. Draw a chalk line from the ground at the bottom of the seat in front of you, all the way up to and over the armrest and finish at the headrest. Think of it as an imaginary spit shield like at Ruby Tuesday’s Salad Bar. So when a hairy male figure sits next to me, Bermuda shorts on, 90 degrees in the plane, flip flops on and crosses the "38th parallel” with his exposed hairy legs, and rubs against me, the emergency exit is looking pretty good to me now (30,000 feet or not.)

Wanna lounge it up? Sure. Be my, the airlines, guest. But keep your f-ing feet off the armrest of the person in front you. That's disgusting, especially when they do it with BARE feet too. I was on another cross- country flight not too long ago and witnessed such a thing. The aisle seat was mine, in the second set of exit rows with a male and female in the middle and window seats, respectively. She proceeded to take off her sandals and place both feet on the exit door window rest. Only inches from the persons face in the next row forward. Just because she is a woman, does not mean she gets a pass. Put your feet down, and put some shoes on.

Here’s a simple one. If you have headphones on, think before you speak. What I am referring to is the mal-adjusted individual who speaks without realizing the volume of their voice. To make matters worse, they’re typically speaking (yelling) to someone across the aisle. It’s just what I’m looking forward to on a long flight. I always wanted to know that airline-channel-8 is playing “Wake me up before you go-go, by Wham.”

Can’t balance on two feet? Do not fly in an airplane. Why do people feel it necessary to lean on my armrest in the aisle OR lean their hand on MY headrest (with my head on the rest)? I know what you’re thinking, how obnoxious can I be? Calm down. What I’m describing is a lack of respect of others around them. I have been awoken from a pleasant dream of nice fields with a cool breeze; giant smile on my face…only to be disturbed by an unobservant adult who thinks my headrest is a balance beam.

Does anyone remember when it was considered a big deal to fly on an airplane? Almost like going to Church on Sunday’s, wearing your “Sunday’s Best.” I’m not suggesting you wear an uncomfortable astronaut style suit into the aero plane, but I am requiring NO “wife beater t-shirts” on male passengers or yesterday’s unwashed clothing on anyone.

Flying is a privilege, not a right. Persons who disagree with some of my writings here will suggest that since they are paying for the seat, they can wear or act, as they want. That mentality is similar to a “streaker” at a baseball field. They paid for a seat, and feel its ok to be an idiot. But that does not mean they can act however they want, nor wear (or not wear) what ever they want. In the end, it’s improper to do in public, but perfectly fine at home.

Can I get an “Amen?”

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