The smallest dwelling...

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Think your studio on the west side is small at 500 sq feet? Take solace in that there is room to breathe. Try breathing in 8 square feet. Imagine for a moment that you will eat, sleep, watch a movie, read a magazine or newspaper, stretch/exercise and maybe even contemplate world domination (well not everyone will think of that) in just 8 square feet.

We're not done yet either. Now imagine that the space is not entirely private. Sometimes other dwellers (neighbors?) will encroach on your territory and do it in a disrespectful manner, as if you didn’t even exist.

You may be asking what I am describing. Incarceration? Nope. But close. You cannot escape for a determined period of time. You eat (if you choose) what they serve you. You are forced to remain in the 8 square feet, no matter what happens, or who annoys you (there is a brief period of time when you can have free time for bathroom breaks.)

If you haven't figured out yet what I am describing, I'm talking about the joys of soaring through the sky in an airplane.

Those precious 8 square feet is your seat. It’s not your home away from home. It’s very important to remember this. You’re in a public place that shares some private moments. People have a hard time deciphering between what is private behavior and what is good manners in public.

The biggest problem is the little strip of land (not the Gaza Strip) dividing you and strangers commonly referred to as the armrest. Whose arm can use which armrest? Can I use both? The left side or the right side? Ask your neighbor. Don't want to talk to them? The first person to plant the flag wins.

That's the easiest battle to win or lose. Here are some examples of tougher battles.

At home you may walk around in sandals, socks, maybe even bare feet. That's at home. Home. NOT in a public airplane filled with hundreds of people. In my opinion, this is the biggest most disrespectful disgusting thing someone can do in a public place. I do not care how “clean” your feet are, keep your shoes on. I make reference to having company at your own home. The moment they walk in, their shoes/socks come off. How would you feel? If you’re a hippie, keep the answer to yourself.

Another test; sit down in an armchair style chair at home. If you cannot fit between both armrests or your legs/thighs are protruding out both sides, either upgrade your seat to first class or learn how to fly your own airplane. I was on a redeye from San Francisco to New York once when I had the dreaded middle seat. Next to me was a rather unfit individual whose right thigh was so big; "our" armrest would not lower beyond 50% down. Which also meant her thigh and my thigh had become one. Never mind the fact that when she would doze off, her right arm/elbow spasms would jolt me the neck. Her apology of “Ooh, I’m sorry darling,” seemed to remove her of any wrong doing (in her head.) Needless to say, on that trip home, I did not have a pleasurable flight. And before you go on saying that I’m discriminating against the unfit, I mean no disrespect, just observing. I have no problem if you ingest unhealthy sums of double-cheeseburgers with ice cream floats chasers (I used to do the same.)

The imaginary line between the seats is real easy to imagine, even for children to see. Draw a chalk line from the ground at the bottom of the seat in front of you, all the way up to and over the armrest and finish at the headrest. Think of it as an imaginary spit shield like at Ruby Tuesday’s Salad Bar. So when a hairy male figure sits next to me, Bermuda shorts on, 90 degrees in the plane, flip flops on and crosses the "38th parallel” with his exposed hairy legs, and rubs against me, the emergency exit is looking pretty good to me now (30,000 feet or not.)

Wanna lounge it up? Sure. Be my, the airlines, guest. But keep your f-ing feet off the armrest of the person in front you. That's disgusting, especially when they do it with BARE feet too. I was on another cross- country flight not too long ago and witnessed such a thing. The aisle seat was mine, in the second set of exit rows with a male and female in the middle and window seats, respectively. She proceeded to take off her sandals and place both feet on the exit door window rest. Only inches from the persons face in the next row forward. Just because she is a woman, does not mean she gets a pass. Put your feet down, and put some shoes on.

Here’s a simple one. If you have headphones on, think before you speak. What I am referring to is the mal-adjusted individual who speaks without realizing the volume of their voice. To make matters worse, they’re typically speaking (yelling) to someone across the aisle. It’s just what I’m looking forward to on a long flight. I always wanted to know that airline-channel-8 is playing “Wake me up before you go-go, by Wham.”

Can’t balance on two feet? Do not fly in an airplane. Why do people feel it necessary to lean on my armrest in the aisle OR lean their hand on MY headrest (with my head on the rest)? I know what you’re thinking, how obnoxious can I be? Calm down. What I’m describing is a lack of respect of others around them. I have been awoken from a pleasant dream of nice fields with a cool breeze; giant smile on my face…only to be disturbed by an unobservant adult who thinks my headrest is a balance beam.

Does anyone remember when it was considered a big deal to fly on an airplane? Almost like going to Church on Sunday’s, wearing your “Sunday’s Best.” I’m not suggesting you wear an uncomfortable astronaut style suit into the aero plane, but I am requiring NO “wife beater t-shirts” on male passengers or yesterday’s unwashed clothing on anyone.

Flying is a privilege, not a right. Persons who disagree with some of my writings here will suggest that since they are paying for the seat, they can wear or act, as they want. That mentality is similar to a “streaker” at a baseball field. They paid for a seat, and feel its ok to be an idiot. But that does not mean they can act however they want, nor wear (or not wear) what ever they want. In the end, it’s improper to do in public, but perfectly fine at home.

Can I get an “Amen?”

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